🔵 By Timothy Brunner. Photo by lauragrafie.
A friend was moved by something I wrote to the point it was exclaimed and I had to reread what I wrote that had so enamored them. I didn’t remember what I had written, and I seldom do, because I just let go of the thoughts in my head. No composition, just compass. My thoughts are common to me, you know?
The response this friend sent me was very short but it literally made my eyes well with tears, and the same is happening now just writing this.
I do know what so moved me even if I don’t see how my words moved them som. What moved me was a reminder to remember. Because in forgetting I am forgotten. I have become lost. I am so far from who I know me to be that I know not what I do. Forgive me. Yes, I fell that lost. Worse, I guess, because the welling is starting again.
Perhaps it is because I have given my emotions such free reign lately that I am struggling to control their now and instead my eyes rain weakly. To wander back to the point, this reminder moved me because that part of who I am has been so isolated lately that the slightest contact tipped it into the well of despair that wells me up now, again… Like when you stay using a muscle long enough that the first workout becomes debilitating. The slightest show of sincere empathy was enough to deliberately and definitively debilitate me. Weak.
I have become weak in the loss of principles to guide me. No guide, no path. Loss.
I don’t know. Being alone is probably the only thing I can honestly say I fear. Honestly because I lie to myself about what I fear as a way to overcome. Also because I truly fear little as I care for little regarding my own welfare. Yet, I have been immersed in that honest fear for some time now.
I am alone. I am afraid of being alone, so I am alone and afraid. How do I cope? I can’t. Instead I shift focus and look to the outside. I create a state of chaos to keep the focus off of me. I make it so that I have to spend all of my thoughts on maintaining my footing in the chaos I create.
Busy week for a warrior? Create war.
This is too much truth for me right now. Would anyone who knows me ever think to hear that from me? Weak.