🔵 By Timothy Brunner. Photo by lauragrafie.
In the weakness that I have allowed myself to fall into I think something has been broken. I do not want to face things about myself at the moment that I would have easily faced down, ,stopped, and corrected in the past. Not now.
I would rather retreat into the apparent ignorance that so many enjoy blissfully. Willful ignorance is no less ignorant for the choice. I am choosing ignorance. How does that sound like me?
It is not well of me and it again wells me up. Physical symptoms of an emotional response. An emotional response to a philosophical discord. A philosophical discord resulting from an acceptance of life?
Is life that bad?
If I believe life is so bad that I can no longer face it and I choose to hide in a state of willful ignorance then I cannot say that I have changed. I have to accept that the difference between the two positions is such that no path can be scribed from one to the other. There is a clean break, a leaving off, before the continuance of something different, something new. I have not changed… I no longer am.
The I who was has broken into the me which I am.
Quote that. I do not know what my reactions will be any longer and have sat and thought, wondering why I have done things recently. A surrendering of ego is not what I am talking about because I am not a Zen master. A centering of self is not self centered. Quote that.
I would be now the latter in a break from the former. I have no center because the circle has been breached, the fort surrendered, and all opposition AWOL. I am running from an emotion that I fear. It is an emotion stemming from something much out of my control, which leaves me little room to change it.
In lieu of change, a break became necessary. Wandering the forest of these thoughts leaves me lost, which is where I began. Leaves in the forest of the lost are all these thoughts are worth to be because they are naught but the wind through the trees. When that wind blew too strongly, that limb that was me was not changed… It was broken.