🔵 By Charlie Rose. Photo by lauragrafie.
I’m pacing inside my cold jail cell… My ankles are cut and bleeding from walking in tight steel metal cuffs all day. My wrists are rubbed raw and numb from trying to accommodate myself on the 4 hour bus ride with 2 hours of sleep on my head, and I’m hungry. The marshals must have forgot about me so I start kicking my cell door yelling, „Hellooo?“ After about 20 minutes I surrendered and found myself staring at the black mold on the ceiling thinking of my defeat… This is it…
I hear laughing and people talking in the distance… then a loud buzzer, the doors click open and slam shut finally the wonderful sounds of chains and keys… I look out my small scratched window to see a woman with a wet brown sack lunch in her hand, a roll of toilet paper and says, „It should be another hour maybe two, we’re waiting on your co-defendants.“
I grab what’s given to me through a small rectangular slot in the door, she asks, „Are you good?“ I turn my back and grumble, „No.“ I’m 16 in federal custody arrested from the psych hospital by the marshals. no, not good.
I look inside the torn brown bag and smell something sweet and bologna. My stomach growls and I’m holding a soggy PBJ sandwich, I haven’t ate since… yesterday? The day before? My body is so weak, I need to eat. So I do…
For hours I’m caged in my cell freezing, exhausted and stressed… bathing in my regrets, trying to stay sane and focusing on all the good things I’ve done. I’m not a bad person, am I? I close my eyes and breathe slowly. What will happen will happen. My head falls heavy but I’m so weak to stay awake. I doze off on the metal bench I’m laying on.
I can hear screaming, distant but close, it’s dark… I hear a soft whisper into my ear… „Camille…“ I open my eyes in terror to see big crystal white snowflakes fluttering and falling on my face… I touch them and feel the wet drops. This is real? Where am I? This is a dream, I’m in a dream, you’re dreaming… I look down at my body and see that I’m wearing a paper hospital gown. I’m cold. I stand up barefoot on the snow that crunches underneath my toes… I’m alone. The dream whistles screams in the wind… I’m walking to my fate, I don’t have a clue where I’m walking but I know there’s a purpose despite my fear choking me with every step I take. I can feel the dread crawling up my skin, I tell myself, „No fear, no fear.“
A twig snaps, it pulls me out my thoughts. I look up to see a wolf glaring at me, his eyes are fierce. My heart drops. His deep growling alerts me to run. I turn and start sprinting. The wolf attacks and jumps on my back, his claws ripping at my skin. I turn in time to catch his snapping jaws, I’m holding him back by his black fur. His sharp teeth are covered in blood, his eyes black… My nails are slicing into my palms from gripping so tight, the pain is sharp. I loosen my grip and slip… I scream.
I’m screaming awake, I fall off the bench onto the cracked concrete floor. My heart is beating out my chest, my hands are shaking and I can’t help but let a tear fall. I barely have the strength to sit up right, it’s just a dream, but the sharp pain still lingers off my skin… My palms are red, my back tingles. I exhale thinking convincingly just a dream… I close my eyes again… I’m startled by a soft knock on the door. I look up from the concrete to see the Federal Marshal that escorted me here. He asks with a manila envelope in his right hand, „You ready?“ And smirks …