🔵 By Charlie Rose. Photo by lauragrafie.
I never believed how quickly things could change in an instant, at least not me. A young Native American girl that only knows the confines of her painted desert reservation in northern Arizona… One minute I’m helping my mother and my grandmother prepare sacred Hopi ceremonial meals, learning what it means to be a true Hopi, learning our way of life and the beauty that glories our beautiful Hopi culture… Where am I at now? 7 years ago, I was 15, a sophomore in high school, now I sit in a maroon plastic chair, at a steel, cold grey desk, listening to a SanDisk MP3 player, marinating in Moneybagg yo’s influence in Federal Prison. Hell behind bars.
I grew up behind the fence, from my first day in custody I hated the sound of keys, but that’s just any other prisoner, right? Not normal for a 16-year old, yet my life has been nothing but the normal. At 15 I was arrested with a 9 count indictment spanning from first degree murder, robbery, burglary, carjacking, and conspiracies filled with lies, infidelity, and half truths. The government stated it could end up in a life sentence of 25 years… What did I do?
I cried silently in a white caged van, black boxed, cuffed from my wrists down to my ankles struggling to wipe away my tears on my jail outfit. I sat there, looked out the bard window taking my last glimpses of the life I wished I was living… I was sitting in a icebox, my fingers so cold and numb they ached, head leaned against the metal cage that separated me from my captors, their shotgun standing ready to fire at anyone who dares to save me from going to hell. I was destroyed in my thoughts, I couldn’t see anything else but my misery. Why did I sin? How could I be so evil? Do evil people ever think of regret? I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, hoping the devil would just snatch me in my sleep because I did not deserve to breathe another ounce of air… My mistakes were unforgivable, I was a misfit, a monster? Infatuated with the lifestyle of a hustler, a thug. I felt like a true Gemini, struggling to maintain my Hopi way of life without feeling enticed to convert into a reckless heathen. I had two sides to me, the young girl who loves her culture, who would do anything to make her family proud, excelling academically, dedicated to sports, committed to being the best sister I could be, the best student, the best friend, the best team player and the best daughter I could be… I had something to prove.
Behind closed doors, I was deeply intrigued with the underworld. I loved the touch of fire, it made me feel. The fast money, the ganja smoke in my lungs, the confidence drugs and alcohol gave me was wonderful. I felt free, I was a alcoholic at 12-years old, all the pain, stress and miseries was a memory gone until my loved ones would catch me walking in the door early hours in the morning drunk and smelling like reefer. I was fine until counselors, coaches and even the dean of students encouraged me to go to rehab…
When I committed my crime I thought my life was over, 16 years plus 3 probation is 19 years gone to the federal justice system. For carjacking resulting in death (aiding and abetting). I’m no innocent but I AM REMORSEFUL. I was lost to the devil. I pulled chain in 2016, when I should have been picking out my prom dress, now I’m pressing and ironing my khaki uniform for a job that pays 12 cents an hour. Sprinting to education risking a disciplinary report for running across the compound just so I can ensure I get a spot in a class that all 1300 women are all trying to get into… and worst part is that I’m being raised by convicts. I now know more about credit card fraud than how to fill out a job application, I’m about to be 23 and I don’t think about bills but instead of stacking up on hygiene products to make sure I have enough for the next 23 hour lockdown that lasts for weeks. What do I really want to focus on?
I want to be inside a College classroom, I want my family back in my arms, I want a place of my own to call home and enjoy water that isn’t brown. I want to embrace my intelligence and beauty without feeling targeted because it can be intimidating to the system, stereotyped as a „violent savage“. I want to prosper, to be given a second chance at my youth, I want to be virtuous, successful and a influential leader for my people. I been to both sides, lived a childhood like Pocahontas and now I’m surviving a prison bid. November 9th marks 6 years of incarceration, is it weird to celebrate? Another year down till I see the day my family and I reunite , plus some real fruits and veggies would be nice. I’m tired of dry chicken (inside joke) *the FBOP National menu is mostly chicken… I’m still grateful. This is my life, I have endured a lot and continued to prosper despite my setbacks… They say they can take everything from you, strip you of all your assets, but the one thing that you can forever call yours is your mind. I’m taking time day by day, elevating on every level that I am capable… After all I grew up in the feds, right? Thank you for reading my thoughts, this is my prison ink, I would click share on TikTok but unfortunately I don’t know what that is, lol. Pen and paper suits me better, I’m going back on lockdown after this… Until the next time I’m out of my cell.
Bless, Angels are with you.