🔵 By Shane Espinoza. Photo by lauragrafie.
Have you ever had a conversation with yourself? I mean one that is deep and there is a dialogue actually happening. I have had more than a few. In The Lord of the Rings movie, Gollum is having a conversation with himself. The good, meek side is challenged by the dark dominating side. The camera changes angles when each side speaks. I remember having multiple conversations with myself in front of a mirror before I came to prison. I questioned myself about what was going on in my life.
I asked myself, “What are you doing?” “What’s wrong with you?” “Stop this!”
The face in the mirror did not answer. There was a shadow looking back at me. There was pain in the expression and the eyes appeared dark, yet there were no words. That dark entity looking back at me would not speak. Eventually I would go to prison. I have been incarcerated for five years and I have had a lot more conversations with myself. I’ve had to evaluate where I was and where I am. Eric Maisel said, “We’ve had our hearts broken, and sometimes we’ve done our damnedest to break our own hearts. This is our life.”
Healing myself from self-inflicted wounds requires that I show myself kindness. I have this internal dialogue that gives me options on how to stay on the path before me. I have since stopped beating myself up over my severe errors in judgment. I let myself feel as well as listen to those internal conversations. There is a happy medium between the emotional side and the logical side. Learning to find the balance between the two has been very rewarding.
I ask myself how to proceed on my journey, then I listen. I get to make the right choice for me. And what is a person but a collection of choices. Where to these choices come from? I believe they arise from the conversations we have with ourselves. As long as I can be present in this moment then my choice is more definitive. My next step is to act on that choice.
So, did your last conversation with yourself result in something positive? If not, continue the conversation and explore all the options. And, let both sides be heard. Who knows, something amazing may come out of it. And remember, don’t have too many of those conversations in public or you may end up somewhere you don’t want to be.
Have an amazing day.