🔵 By Timothy Brunner. Photo by lauragrafie.
I spend much of my time attending various religious functions that cater to our Roman Catholic community at this prison. We have bible study classes, Rosary prayer groups, Centering prayer, mass, mindfulness… a veritable variety of veneration. This past week we participated in a group prayer memorializing the crucifixion through meditating upon the stations of the cross (via Dolorosa). As if my life wasn’t depressing enough!
Actually, the lesson I choose to take from the brutality of these events is the willing sacrifice of one person for others. Whether one believes in Jesus as Christ or not, it is difficult to argue with; “Greater love has none than this; to lay down one’s life for a friend.” That sacrifice in the name of love strikes a deep, harmonious chord with a loyalty that has come to define my life. As sonorous in its melody as a Buddhists gong, resonating in that bass tone that soothes one’s bones.
Flowery linguistic rambles aside, I was pricked by the brambles of different words that day. As the group proceeded to another station, to men who were seated away from the group began to argue. One of the men was a supposed leader in this community while the second was a newer member with no active role. The new member made a derogatory comment intended to drive the supposed leader away from him. The latter got up and walked away and the situation was calmed.
All the way across the room, with precisely every person present standing between himself and the instigator, one of the other leaders who is also an alter served, angrily stated to the instigator, “You can leave if you want to!”
the combative tone from this “leader” caused the issue to flare up again, and more people started to speak out. Upon a forceful exclamation of: “RELAX!”, from me, everyone stopped. After a short pause everyone returned to the station at which they had left off.
I could draw parallel to the crowds heckling Jesus, but why do I believe both sides would see this in the other yet not in in themselves? I am a leader in the Roman Catholic Community here and I have garnered a hard earned respect on many levels throughout my incarceration. This allowed me a modest exercise of authority in stopping the progression of events with a ward. I do believe that to be a positive use of an, at times, ill-gotten authority. Whey, when, would the alter server be the one to reignite an issue out of anger? Why not let it lie?
I know that many people struggle with the concept of “finding Jesus” in prison. I did for a long time, as well. I also see reason to doubt the sincerity of any honesty under such duress as this environment engenders in men’s lives. I see it especially in the supposed leaders who use a new-found faith as a bludgeon to beat others into submission before they cast them out to the wolves.
“Crucify Him! Crucify Him!”; they shouted.
Sounds much like these leaders. And no less like the original provocateur. I can see it on both sides. In thinking about the expression of a faith that has been discovered in prison, I look at the way in which it is expressed. There are many men in this church community that attend our services and preach so well about how devour they are. They tell of how charitable we need to be, how forgiving we need to be, how loving and accepting God is… Preach, preach, preach. Blah, Blah, Blah. Never what they themselves will do. These men are literally preaching to the choir because the same alter servers and choir members attend all of our services and brag about how right and justified they are in their faith. Yet, none go out among the wolves to find a lost sheep. Yet, when a stray sheep wanders in they attack it, like wolves in sheep’s clothing. Elitist hiding behind albs are not spiritual people, they are packs of animals.
I believe that an honest expression of one’s faith is always presented. It just might not match what that one tells you what our faith should be.