🔵 By Khayree Smith. Photo by lauragrafie.
I don’t know a lot
very little really
but what I do know
is that I appreciate you
kinda how people appreciate good art
but not because you “look good” –
and don’t get me wrong
cause you got it in every way on every day of the week
but your art is a different kind of aesthetics
a spiritual thing if you know what I mean
and if I could just have this moment I wanna tell you some things.
I’m ashamed to say it
but once upon a time
I didn’t see you
the real you…
Your womaness.
And all your heaven in between.
My vision was blurry
clouded by the illusions on the big screen
players and pimps told me to keep my game tight
told me to keep my foot on your neck
never let a trick see me sweat.
Rap music taught me about bitches and hoes
So everybody knows
bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks
and for a while
I believed that shit
just like I thought I was somehow better than you
like I owned you
so I handled you instead of caressed you.
I was real mean
cause I didn’t know
what real respect was supposed to mean
so I freestyled it
made you into a toy that I picked up sometimes
and sometimes I didn’t
I played games
thinking I was the man
thinking I was playing you
but I was only playing myself.
In so many ways my ignorance was validated
by friends and family who showed me how to be a man
but all the while
I had low self-esteem
didn’t understand I was destroying myself
by destroying you.
The pleasure I thought I was supposed to gain
turned out to be a pain deep within my heart.
I chased an image that fascinated me
and perverted me.
By the time I learned it was a mirage
I was depressed and brokenhearted
betrayed by the very monster I helped create.
I learned a hard lesson
I hope you can forgive me
I’m still struggling to forgive myself
for masquerading as a man when I was still a boy
for objectifying you instead of adoring your heart.
Dear, Sistah
you are everything I ever needed
I need you and all your Queeness
all your sweetness
all the things that make me close my eyes
and marvel at the way you make me feel
cause when I see you now
I see the meaning of life.
When I listen to you now
I hear a symphony of love and more love.
When I touch you now
I feel closer to God
so I wanna hold you
forever
and never
let you go.