🔵 By Timothy Brunner. Photo by lauragrafie.
Broken bones can heal. A broken branch can be spliced or replanted to regrow as a cloned tree. Broken is not dead. I am not a tree or a bone, though. I am no longer even me, so how can I know how to heal myself? How does a broken branch replant itself? How does a broken bone set itself? They don’t because they can’t.
How do I heal myself? I won’t because I can’t. I don’t even want that. I want something, but I no longer trust who I am to make the decisions or judgments to decide on what that is or what it would mean. All I can accept from where I stand is that I need something that is not this.
The sand on which I have found myself is the result of who this new me is and I will not let that person make my choices. Time for Tyler Durden to go back to sleep. Healing, then, is not an option because even a different version of who this person is is no longer acceptable. In that case all I have left is to rebreak what was broken and break a new trail to where I know I should be. That will be a difficult journey.
Especially when the reason for this disconnect still exists… I am still alone.
I need to find a way to accept that without running from the emotions it causes. I’m not sure how to do that yet. That leaves me with the only option that I can see as shutting out everything and correcting one thing at a time as it arises. Since I am not thinking or planning in my decision making processes, that is the first thing I need to fix.
Time to reorient my focus.
If all I look at is myself, then I will only have my self to fight with. At least being alone will give me ample freedom to focus on that objective. Since I am weak and broken, I must now find a new way because this way does not work.
When I cannot heal, I will retreat.
In retreat I can replan, restrategize.
I can then be reborn.