🔵 By Richard Smith. Photo by lauragrafie.
As I have written in prior articles, I am a firm believer that absolutely everything is a choice. No one is entitled to anything. I have also written, about my perspective, on what kindness is an is not; in my article: It’s all a choice.
In this article, I am going to share with you my journey with kindness while incarcerated. There is a societal stigma that everyone incarcerated is violent, cruel, psychotic, sociopathic, manipulative, a hustler, etc. there are such people, but there are all kinds of people and personalities, other than those stated, just as there is in the free world. One reason, I believe, so many people become mean spirited, while incarcerated, is because there is a stigma among convicts, that one must be ruthless in order to survive jail and prison .thankfully not everyone adopts such a philosophy.
When I was arrested, all I knew about jail and prison was what I heard and seen in movies and on television. I thought one had to develop a reputation of being dangerous in order to be respected. I was ready to fight and kill if necessary. When I got moved to general population, in the county jail, I was handcuffed and shackled, and my faces was on the television. The people watching television began to point at me. I was going to hit the first person that came near me. A guy named Dave approached me and asked, “Would you like for me to put our stuff in your cell?”
I said, “Don’t touch my stuff.” Good thing I was still handcuffed and shackled. Dave just looked at me like, “Whatever tough guy”, and asked the guard, “What cell is he in?”
The guard replied, “215”.
Dave grabbed my bag of hygiene , put it in my assigned cell and yelled at some kid, saying, “Hey Porkchop” Go into the sally port, grab a new mattress, and bring it here.” Porkchop did as Dave instructed. Then Dave walked up to me and said, “My name is Dave. We do bible study over there. Feel free to join us.” And walked away. After the guard uncuffed me, I went to my assigned cell and checked my stuff. I f anything was missing, I was going to attack Dave. Everything was there.
Dave left about two months later. Dave never asked me for a thing in return. Fave never expected anything, no matter how much he shared. Dave was genuinely kind. I tried to be kind, but I failed at first. That was because I was expecting something in return for my “kindness”. Genuine kindness has no price tag or conditions attached to it. I struggled with this virtue. How unkind I was became apparent when I ran out of money. There had been people who I had looked out for; who after I ran out of money, acted like they didn’t know me. When those same people got money and only shared with their “buddies”, it made me mad. For a while I quit being kind in deeds, and began to charge for what I was capable of doing; legal work, letter writing, cooking “swolls”, and making “state cakes”. I was capable and chose to be kind in words and respectful to everyone, even with the guards with the nasty attitudes.
Once I got to prison, I met a man named Rodney. At the time, Rodney was about 300lbs, no right arm, type two diabetes, and just had one of his big toes removed. Since we hit it off, he asked me to clean his wound and change his bandage. I did until he said he needed to learn to do it himself. Which was a good thing, because I was shipped to another camp a week later . Before I shipped, Rodney gave me his contact information. When I arrived at my next camp, Marion Correctional, Rodney and I stayed in contact through his mother, Sylvia. That was until the facility discovered it and ended our correspondence. This also worked out because Sylvia began chemo therapy for cancer. About a year later I started receiving money and letters from Sylvia. After a few months of exchanging letters, Sylvia told me to call her. Long story short, it was because of the kindness I had shown her son, that Sylvia “adopted” me into her family and has treated me as one of her own since then. Sylvia has told me that I owe her nothing, just she owes me nothing.
Sylvia is just one example in my life, of genuine kindness. There is no personal gain for her. No exchange of promises, no debt. After a little bit of paranoia and finally able to step back and appreciate what I had in my life; I was able to see and accept Sylvia’s kindness for what it is. Her kindness and love has a great impact on my life.
Another great impact of kindness in my life would be my parents. It took me a while to see it. My parents owe me nothing and no one would have condemned them if they disowned me for what I did. What I did embarrassed and shamed them. What I did hurt my parents professionally and financially. Yet they never stopped loving me and being kind in word and deed. Between my parents and Sylvia, they have shown me that love and kindness go hand in hand. Being kind affirms love. At minimum kindness says, “I don’t hate you.”
Other notable mentions of kindness done to me come from my friends Elizabeth and Tom. Elizabeth has been writing me for over a decade. Tom has been writing me for over four years. Their constant letters and encouragements have been a cornerstone in my life. I do not know when I became genuinely kind. Over the years of working to become the man I should have always been, it just happened. Now it doesn’t matter if someone reciprocates the stamp, food, or phone I give or the letter or legal work I do for them. These small acts has enabled me to connect with people and has taught me how to communicate with anyone, no matter their worldviews.
I am not claiming to be overly magnanimous. I am kind within my means. I have no problem saying, “no” when I need to. I say no to those who have more than enough and are just trying to get something extra. I say no to the junkie and gambler. The easiest people to be kind to are the people who just got their time, and those who have nothing. Being kind and respectful has paid off more times than I can remember. I believe it is the reason why I have gotten long with all the gangs, though I have never been affiliated.
I have also learned that just because someone responds positively to kindness, that doesn’t make you friends with them. Though I have turned an enemy to a friend through kindness. In my experience, most people are respectful and wiling to open up if they realize that the person in front of them doesn’t hate them. There is an innate desire of the soul to be loved and accepted. When people have no fear of rejection, even the most hardcore and/or depraved individuals open up. Same goes for people who have had atrocities committed against them, that makes them believe they are too damaged to be loved. Kindness helped shape me as I pursued becoming a good man. Kindness to me has kept me from hurting others and myself.
Being kind to others has kept others from hurting themselves and others. Being kind to others has led to great blessings in my life. Kindness has opened the doors to the hearts of the people around me. I hope this shows that kindness can uplift a heart, even open it to receive love; no matter the circumstance, even while incarcerated.