🔵 By Timothy Brunner. Photo by lauragrafie.
PART 1. = 4/12/2022 Another day has passed and I am in the same place as I was the day before. And the day before. Concrete walls, steel door, tempered glass. Yes, all that, too. Worse, though: Hopelessness, despair, self-loathing. In the midst of a conversation with a prison official the other day I had a reminder of a me I had once known. As is often the case, I heard myself in the discussion and was able to see the anger I feel and how I am letting it drive my decision making. So animalistic and reactionary. That is not. The way.
I used to be able to allow things to flow around me without reacting at all. Ultimate poker face. Not so much, lately.
I see the value of bureaucracies in that the delayed reaction allowed far thorough examination of an issue and options prior to action. This is not always feasible in situations that require snap decisions, but it is invaluable in those decision that can be put off until they are weighed carefully. It has been that care that I have been foregoing in exchange for instinctive reactions.
Instinct serves in a fight, blow for blow, play by play. That is not how a war is won, though, I have been a fighter and have won and lost fights. Those were singular events, though. If a fighter fights a battle, a warrior must carry out war. Look at it in light of Ukraine… The U.S. is staying out of the fighting to protect our interest while providing enough weaponry for Ukraine to fight effectively. We could have chosen the emotional response of jumping into this battle, but we would have become embroiled in a war that is not currently ours.
Instead, we are allowing Russia to waste so many resources in this fight that, if we decide to enter this war, Russia is now severely displeased. Russia’s instinctive drive to win this fight will cost them the war… The U.S. is foregoing the fight to position ourselves for the possible war.
To see this in outside circumstances is an exercise in academics. That is smart.
Seeing that in oneself is an exercise in empirical awareness. That is wisdom.
Who am I?
I am smart, but I am trying to reach for wisdom. Am I simply the sum of my parts? Am I my potential? Again… If the end result of all my life is still death in prison… Why should I care?
PART 2. = 4/12/2022 If I had to make a decision right now, would that decision be the same as what I would opt for had I delayed the choice? I doubt it. I wonder, then, if that makes me a different person if I act differently. If that is the case, then is the first person who I actually am while the second, delayed choice, represents who I could potentially be?
Which of the two am I?
Who I am, as describer by any other, would have so many different definitions that there must be many different versions of my self. Whose version would be correct? If there is a God with a master copy of who He created me to be, where do I measure in comparison? Is His model the Michelangelo while I prove to be the child’s drawing, with one arm longer than the other?
At least the kids’ drawing always has a smile on its face. I don’t know. Academics aside, knowing what motivates people is not the same as knowing one’s own motivations. That mirror is always more fun-house quality than accurate reflection. What I see in those mirrors is always going to be skewed by my own intent, but intent is not a measurable force. Intent bears no reflection in the world but that of the actions taken in its pursuit. If those actions are not properly interpreted, the intent is not made clear.
The intent is not actualized. This leads me back to the beginning… Bureaucracy decision making is the surest way to reflect one’s intent into the world from their inner self in an empirical, measurable way. That is the only way to plan with enough consideration to offset the emotional reactions that I have been depending on.
My departing from the paths of considered action I used to frequent is because of the hopelessness I live with. Accepting that I am going to die here is much more than a cloud… It is the extinction event that wiped dinosaurs from this planet!
The ashes that remain in its wake will take millennia to build into life again.
That is what this system creates: Destruction. It’s a contradiction… a hypocrisy… an oxymoron. The creation of destruction. But that is another discussion.