🔵 By Shane Feix. Photo by lauragrafie.
I’m 36, my life’s just beginning but I feel like it’s over. I’ve been down nine years and was just denied parole because I have no family to lend me a shoulder… To cry. I just smile with my eyes dry. Hide the pain so no one sees so I can kiss this time goodbye. I lie with shame and say I don’t want to kiss this life goodbye. I cry with shame as I scream that I’m ready to say goodbye. They say I’m to blame but I haven’t had a chance to choose my fate since I was just a little guy. Each day is just the same because they won’t give me a chance because I’ve got no family to say “hey, we love this guy.”
So right now, I am not okay in the least bit. I have nobody. No family, no friends outside of prison and the DOC and Parole Board know this. So I was literally told by the Parole Board that “I am stable. I’m doing great mentally and behaviorally, but they cannot give me parole because I have no family!!!” That shit just tore me apart. I have 9 years in on my sentence and 4 more to go with the good-time I have left. 6 if I lose the rest. The night after I got this news they let us out for med line and dinner. I wasn’t eating dinner I had a soup (Top Ramen) and I can only get hot water outside my cell in the day-room so the CO told me that I had to choose between my medication… and hot water for my soup. I told him he was a joke he called me a bitch. And spit at me. So I knocked him out… Now I’m being brought up on assault charges… So right now I’m feeling so alone and hopeless and I’m praying to my GODS that something or that someone will help me keep something from just making me say fuck it and giving up, because that’s what I want to do right now, is give up. My neighbor has a song that goes “I’ve got a smile on my face… but inside I’m crying… I’ve got a smile on my face… but inside I’m dying…”
And that speaks perfectly to how I’m feeling right now. I can’t keep doing this. I’m a godi for Hawks Eye Kindred, that is the 1 thing I have and the DOC is trying to take it.