🔵 By Xavier Nixon. Photo by lauragrafie.
“Almost there! You’re almost there Xavi! Just hold on, it’s almost over!” That’s what I tell myself when my mind wanders into a place of hopelessness. When this tense place tries to pull me down. Two days ago, I was blessed to have a good visit with my mom, and my two nephews. It was amazing to spend time with them, and to eat all of the delicious food! Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, McDonalds, and homemade fruit salad and burritos! Everything was sooo delectable! Especially knowing how bad the prison food is in here. I mean, the food in here is edible, well some of it, but it pales in comparison to “real food” from the outside world.
While I was sitting there, eating, and enjoying the time with my family… all I could think to myself was, “It’s almost over. I’m almost home…” For my first decade of confinement, I did not receive any visits from friends or family in prison. My heart just hardened against even desiring a visit from anyone. I didn’t even think about it. It wasn’t a conscious effort on my part, just now something that dwelled in my thoughts. I knew I had a long sentence to undergo, and I had to do it alone. Last year was when my visits started, but the last visit was different…
This amazing euphoric sensation crept over me as I was in the presence of my family, it was so peaceful. When was the last time I was in a state of bliss like I was in that moment? I cannot recall the time. It’s been so long since I’ve been locked in this tense place that I’ve become immune to that feeling of bliss. As soon as my family left, and I walked back on the yard, that bliss diminished. Back to reality… back to this mere existence. Back to, “The yard is closed… the yard is opened… count time… chow hall is open… chow hall is closed… etc.” Just this monotony.
Visitation is both sweet and bitter. Sweet from the joy that is experienced from being in the presence of loved ones. But, bitter when it suddenly ends, as you watch your family walk out that door… left behind to remain in this cage. I get it though… I put myself in here, because I was the one who committed the terrible crime, and now I have to do the time. These experiences are all part of doing time. However, it’s almost over! Almost at the finish line!
At the commencement of 15 year prison sentence I lost so much. I was on the path to Northern Arizona University to acquire my Bachelor’s Degree in Forestry, to pursue a career as a Wildland Firefighter. Admitted to the university, and on my way… then disaster struck, and I went from a college classroom… to the back seat of a caged transfer vehicle, with my mom, shackled up with me, crying, “Son, what about your school? What about your firefighting? This is all my fault… because of the way I raised you…” It was not her fault though…
I remember our first court date, I was in a holding cell, looking out the window hoping to see my mom. I mean, I didn’t want to see her in shackles and chains, but this was our reality. Then, there she was… walking in her chains, with a line of other chained women… I banged on the door, and yelled out, “Mom!” The guard hit the door, yelling at e and threatening me to, “Keep it down or I’ll keep you in that holding cell all day.” Everyone was yelling back at him, telling him that was my mom. He didn’t care though… She walked into the courtroom, and when she walked out, my heart broke…
I banged on the door again… she signed to me with her arms and hands, “I love you son…” Then she turned her head as she cried, and the women around her hugged her and tried to console a mother’s broken heart… My legs went weak, and I buckled to the ground… there I cried like a child, with guilt of what I did. My poor mother, arrested in confusion, just trying to protect her son, in spite of the terrible thing he did.
While I was on the ground, breathing heavily, rivets of tears pouring out of my soul, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Then, a voice of a man, praying to God for my mom… praying to God for me. I felt the weight of that moment lift off of me, opened my eyes, and an eldery African-American man stood over me, and said, “It’s going to be ok. You’re going to be alright. You and your mom…” I hugged that man… and I knew he was sent to me by God. A guardian angel…
After the initial phase of hopelessness, depression, and trying to drag myself back to a place of solid ground, I finally got out of the quicksand that was pulling me under. I told myself, “I have to keep pushing! I’m not going to give up on my goals!” When I hit the yard, my mind was determined to better myself. Continue to pursue my education, utilize my time, and walk out of here a new man.
I applied for a scholarship for a correspondence community college, and ran into a wall. College debt to the library at Mesa Community College of $ 300 needed to be paid before the hold was removed to apply for the scholarship. I had no money, and who was I supposed to ask for help? Family? Friends? A few of them said they would help… but you know how that goes. Out of sight, out of mind.
Other educational trade schools were offered, and I completed Construction Technology and Carpentry. I became an education tutor to remain in the educational domain. An opportunity arose to become a Braille Transcriber, and obtain a certification through the National Braille Association and Library of Congress. I was ecstatic for this opportunity, and out of 1,200 people on the yard, I was one of the eight that was chosen.
A year later, I started saving up my state pays (my 45 cent an hour pay). I put myself on a payment plan with Mesa Community College to pay off my debt so I could obtain my degree. It took me several months to pay the debt off, but I accomplished my goal! I applied for the scholarship for Rio Salado College, and was awarded the scholarship!
Now, here I am, near the end of my sentence, my mom is free, off parole and approved to visit me now… Braille Certified; working for the Foundation for Blind Children and serving blind children through braille transcription… College graduate, Associate Degree in General Studies, and Associate Degree in Technical Skills (HVACR).
The journey has not been easy, but I’ve com tho e so far. However, I did not come this far, to only come this far! When I step out from these walls, these razor-wired fences, and these prison gates… I am going to hit the ground running! To show myself that it was all part of the journey, and nothing, I mean nothing, can stop the destiny that God has for me! Finish line… Here I come!