🔵 By Xavier Nixon. Photo by lauragrafie.
“I can’t breathe…” Have you ever said that before? From a heartbreak? When you felt like your chest was compressed? Some people feel like that when a family member of loved one passes. Some people feel like that when they built something such as a career or business, and it all comes crashing down… from financial distress and broken dreams. Some people feel like that from a failed relationship… where they were cheated on, or just abandoned, as the person they loved walked away from them. “I can’t breathe!” Those are the words that have become so familiar to me.
I’ve suffered many heartbreaks, and every time I have gotten my heart broken, “I can’t breathe,” were the words that were faintly uttered from the little breath I still possessed. To be honest, those were the words that left my soul just a few days ago. You may think, how? How can a man that has been locked up for so long, without the physical interaction with a romantic partner, still experience heartbreak? Well, allow me to share my experience.
A couple of months ago, I was in my cell, opened up my Securus email app, and there was an email from a woman. She introduced herself, and my heart leapt with joy. Joy from the fact that someone from the “real world” reached out to me, and wanted to communicate and establish a friendship. It’s amazing how much impact that can have on a prisoner who has been isolated from the world for so many years. It’s like a breath of fresh air in an oxygen-deprived dungeon.
Well, the initial friendly conversations quickly progressed into deeper, loving conversations. She told me all of the romantic things you can think of. At first, it caught me off guard, because our relationship progressed very quickly, but being deprived of love and affection for over a decade now, I succumbed to that love. I welcomed that love into my heart and soul, because I’ve been deprived of love and desired it for many years now.
She submitted her visitation/phone application, got approved, scheduled her first video visit on her birthday, and I was so excited to enjoy a visit with her! I woke up early, got a haircut, braided my hair to look nice, and walked in to visitation only to be met with embarrassment and disappointment. There I was, staring at a blank screen… she never showed up. When I went outside to call her to find out what was going on, her phone number was deactivated…
Imagine what that did to me, how that made me feel… made me feel like… “I couldn’t breathe…” What the hell happened? Who would do that to another human being? You may be thinking… “Maybe she was a catfish.” But the phone calls we shared, and the videograms she sent me speaking my name, would discredit that assumption. Even if that was a possibility, all I have to offer in this place of confinement, making 45 cents an hour, is conversations. Not even an email from her to acknowledge what happened… no answers… nothing… just silence.
My heart was crushed and my soul was shattered into a million pieces. “I can’t breathe…,” those were the words that left my heart, and left me feeling so empty. I drifted into an abyss of darkness. I asked God, “Why?” What did I do to deserve this? What is the purpose if this heartbreak I feel? Leaving me here breathless? My heart hurt so much…
I prayed, I fasted, I sought God in this dark place. In that period I was lead to Ezekiel 37… The Valley of Dry Bones. God asked Ezekiel, “Son of man, can these bones live? Ezekiel replied, “You know Lord.” And God commanded Ezekiel to prophesy to the bones that He will cause breath to enter into them and they will come back to life… The bones rattled, came together, and flesh came upon them. But there was no breath in them… Then God commanded Ezekiel to prophesy to the bones for breath to come into them… and breath came into them from the four winds, and the bones were brought back to life…”
The Hebrew word for breath in this passage is the Breath of God’s Spirit. When we feel like, “I can’t breathe,” it’s the breath of God being compressed out of our hearts and souls, trying to depart from us. But, God will breathe His Breath of Life back into us” Just endure and don’t vie up! All the heartbreak, the depression, the anxiety, and the misery that we suffer is not the end of us! Just hold on and keep pushing! Don’t give up! “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning!” (Psalms 30:5). “The Lord is near to those that are of broken heart…” (Psalms 34:18)
God gave me beauty in these ashes, and a newfound purpose for my life. A purpose to help others, to help carry their burdens, to lift people back up and out of that dark abyss that tries to engulf us. Life is not easy… and as Sylvester Stallone said in his Rocky film, “Life is not all sunshine and rainbows, it is a mean and nasty place… Nothing will hit as hard as life! It’ll beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it… It’s not about how hard you can hit that makes you strong, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward! How much you can take, and keep moving forward! That’s how winning is done!
When life knocks you down, keep getting back up. The storms of life have their seasons, but eventually the waves subside and the sun shines brightly once again. But, more troubles will inevitably come, just remember who you are, what you have already endured in life, and dig deep into that inner strength within you. Martin Luther King Jr. said in one of this speeches I heard, “If you can’t fly, run… if you can’t run, walk… if you can’t walk, crawl… but by all means, keep moving!” We just have to keep moving.
Prison is naturally a lonely and depressing place. The reasons I chose to express my personal experience in this writing, is to inform the readers how significant kindness from out there can impact us in here. But, on the other side of the coin, how much pain can be caused to us by the abandonment and cruelty of bad-intentioned people from out there. When you make the choice to reach a loving hand to an incarcerated individual, just know the power you have in the lives of the incarcerated. Power to do good, and breathe life into this Valley of Dry Bones, or power to do bad, and push that breath of life right back out of people… leaving them dried up.
My hope is that in whatever place you are at, in your own personal life, that you remember who you are! Be good, and do good to others. Adhere to the Golden Rule, “Treat people the way you want to be treated.” If you are going through a hard time in your life, where you feel like you “can’t breathe,” don’t give up! The pain will subside, and the Breath of Life will come back into your lungs, your heart, and your soul! As long as that heart is still pumping blood through your veins, there is still hope for you, and a purpose for your life! Just breathe.