🔵 By Xavier Nixon. Photo by lauragrafie.
Be free, that’s what she wanted. She said that she wants to be free to live her life the way she wants to, and have the freedom to have friends of the opposite sex. Also, that if I wanted to have friendships with women, and go out with them to have a good time, then I should have that freedom as well. But, what does that mean? Is that normal? She said, hypothetically speaking, „If the club is your scene, and you want to go dancing with other women it is okay.“ Hmm…???
I don’t get it, maybe it’s just me, but why would I want to go dancing with other women when I have my own woman to go dancing with. Am I crazy? I’ve been locked up for 11 years now, but I still know the things that can occur when going out with „friends“ that are of the opposite sex. All the nonverbal communication and body language that is experienced when sharing that intimate space with someone. The physical contact of the hands and body, the eye contact as you look into the other person’s soul, the chemistry of reciprocated energy, and then the curiosity that sparks of wondering what it would be like… with them.
Before you know it, boundaries are crossed and infidelity occurs. Maybe not sexually, at first, but even the thought will poison the soul. Then when you’re back with your romantic partner, guilt lingers in the back of your mind. Guilt from knowing what you shared with your „friends“. Present with your lover, but elsewhere in your thoughts. Thoughts still replaying of the intimacy you shared at the club… still thinking about your „friend“.
I know that this isn’t always the case, and much of my confusion stems from past experiences, but we’re not fools. We all know what could happen. Maye you’ve had your own experiences where you were betrayed, or know someone that was betrayed… cheated on with their „friends“. Maybe you were the one who cheated. I’m guilty of it myself, to be honest. Where I come from, love does not exist. Not true love where you can trust your partner, and even when you feel like you can trust them… what about their friends? Can you trust them, and believe they will respect you enough to not seduce your partner? Can you trust yourself? Even if the intentions are good, it happens.
Some of you may automatically assume that I’m just insecure and maybe you are right. I believe there is a clear contrast between self-confidence, and insecurity. But, how would you feel if the person you are in a relationship with wants to „be free“? In my mind, that sounds like someone who should just be single, and live their life without the commitments of a romantic relationship. In my opinion, if those who are in a relationship feel that their partner is not enough, and they want to be free to go out with other people… then to be honest, I cannot relate.
Everyone has control of their own lives, and their own choices. I will not try to control anyone, because all that does is creates resentment. I’ve been incarcerated a long time now, and maybe I’m just out of tough with the „real world“ out there. One thing I do know though, is that people want what they want. For me, that’s not what I want. I just hope there are people in the world who could understand my thoughts on this matter. People who can relate. Right now, however, I feel as if I’m all alone, because I feel like I’m the only one who thinks like this. I will not settle for just anyone though. If that means I must remain alone, then so be it.
Be free. Be free to make your own choices, and don’t budge on who you are just to please another person. Sometimes we compromise our values, our beliefs, our character, and our lives for the sake of not wanting to be alone. When we are lonely, we want love. But, don’t settle for what you are not happy with, and for someone you are not compatible with. There is a person out there for each one of us.
Being alone during my incarceration in Arizona State Prisons has been a journey of betrayal, loneliness, abandonment, heartbreak, and constant letdowns. But, there was beauty in that pain, and through all of it, I grew… I grew as a man, a father, as a brother, as a son, and as a friend. I set out to better my life in here, and I acquired two college degrees, HVACR Certifications, Braille Transcription Certifications, and many other tangible accomplishments. However, the most meaningful and enduring assets that I have obtained are my personal character developments which started with my sobriety, my pursuit of mental and physical health, and overall wholeness.
Investing in my personal development has had a significant impact on my life. All the hard-work of discipline and resilience to get back up, and keep pushing when I felt like I did not have the strength has paid tremendous dividends. That is what brought me to this point in my life. This place where I can abstain from instant gratification, and be okay with delayed gratification. It’s not easy, for me it’s not, but it gets easier.
What is it that you want? Do you want to be free? That can mean a lot of different things, and can apply to many aspects of life. I didn’t know what to write when I started this piece, I just started writing what was going on in my spirit. I started off heavy-hearted because I just terminated a relationship. A relationship with someone who made me feel like I have no value, someone who got my hopes up and then let me down, someone who brightened my small world in here and then suddenly darkened it.
I was heavy-hearted, but I know that I will not settle for people to come into my life who take me for granted. People who devalue me. There is beauty in this pain, and that shows me that I am worth more than that. I do have value to add to this world, even behind these walls and razor-wired fences. Even when I’m in the „Land of the Forgotten“ and the world overlooks me. I know who I am, what I want, and what I can give.