🔵 By David Harper. Photo by lauragrafie.
Before I start, I want to thank everyone who read my first article, and for everyone who has given me feedback. Good or bad, it is all appreciated. Special shout outs to Dennis, Jan, Jodi, Linda, Marcia and Roger for their encouraging words. Kevin, Stephanie, Jennifer, thank you for reaching out. To anyone else I haven’t mentioned, it means that I didn’t get your feedback yet. A BIG thanks to Miss Laura for putting this up. Sorry for the bad handwriting. Email will be coming soon and that should make your job much simpler. Thank you for putting up with this for now.
A year ago, my sister died. To say it hit me hard would be an understatement. My sister and I were close, and more often than not, our phone conversations ended due to a dead battery than for things to say. But what really shook me was that the one person I was counting on to be around when I got out was gone. With eighteen years left to go on my sentence, it’s very unlikely that my folks will be around, and with no other sibling, no children, no cousins, I am the last of the family line. When I get out, I will have no family waiting for me. That thought brought out a lot of sad feelings. I won’t say depression because it’s a whole different monster for me. And I do wonder who of my friends will still be alive much yet around when I get out in 2041.
the idea of being alone just triggered a bad thought of loneliness in me. I overhear many of my fellow prisoners talk about how many “baby mamas” they have waiting for them. I heard one guy bragging about having nineteen kids from seventeen different women and how at least ten of them were still wanting him around when he gets out in a couple of years. And then it hit me that I was actually a bit jealous of him. I would love to know that I had one person that was waiting for me and that my first night of freedom wouldn’t be spent alone. Now, I won’t say that I won’t be without support or means. I have some investments that are sitting there, gaining interest at a fair rate. And I have a few friends that I’ve known for over 40 years that will support me from where they are. But it’s that lack of family and closeness that I already find myself yearning for. My folks are still around, but my father is 80, and my mom 77. will they make it to 98 and 95 respectively? Sorry to say, but probably not. That’s why all of my available phone time each month is dedicated to them. But with just 15 minutes each call, there isn’t really much that can be deeply discussed. But those calls get me through. Don’t know what I will do when that ends. It also doesn’t help that I’m over 2000 miles away from them right now either. Hopefully after some programs, I will get shipped closer to them and be able to see them face to face again. (Side note: To anyone reading this that knows how DSCC and Grand Prairie works and can get me transferred to FCI Terminal Island sooner than that, I would be eternally grateful.)
So what is there to do? For me, it’s just appreciating the here and now and just let the future unfold as it might. I do that by writing or coloring or frustrating myself by drying to draw. I also lose myself in books or a couple of my tablet games. I tell my family each phone call, each letter, each email how grateful I am for their support. I also count myself blessed that I have the means and support to at least be a bit comfortable in prison and that even if I have nobody to come out to, I won’t be coming out to nothing, just coming out to nobody.
These feelings are hitting me now only because of this being the first anniversary of my sisters death. Like with all things in life, this too shall pass. But at this moment, this is what I am feeling and thus what I am writing about. To end this, I will just give a bit of prison advice to all of you outside the wall. Appreciate the friends and family around you. Take a moment to call, text, message or email them with a quick note to say hello and that you are grateful for them being in your life. Appreciate them now and tell them now instead of regretting it when you can’t. Today I will sign off with what I sign off all my letters to friends and family with: Sending you lots of good energy, love and hugs. Until next time. Keep that feedback coming! It’s appreciated.