🔵 By Seth Broomhead. Photo by lauragrafie.
So, recently someone mentioned/asked essentially: They cannot take that with which you were born, Body, Mind, Soul. (They being prison officials, etc.) I’ve heard this many times and have seen this place take all of them, many times, in some form, to some extent or completely.
Personally, after 20 years of prison, while I function alright and hide the damage well, my mind, soul, and body have been damaged, taken if you will, at least in part. After having spent 2.5 years in solitary, followed by 7 years in max, around no more than 4 other men, I noticed a severe decline in my social skills (brain?). I now have severe anxiety when I speak to more than 1 person at once, or when I’m around a lot of people. I am unable to speak/convey my thoughts clearly, verbally to others in here. To mention a couple of mental impacts. Of course there’s the crippling depression, stress, and fear this place induces in all.
My body is quite well preserved, although I was shot with a beanbag gun point blank in my hip and still have issues. Also, after almost a decade without direct sunlight, I was yellow and now get sunburns. Other than that I am quite healthy for 40. My cholesterol is good, I run stairs for 1hr 30 mins 4 times a week, and can still throw another man my size around with ease. No diabetes!
My soul? I have a big heart, but the light has diminished greatly. I guess the best way to put it is this: I’ve always been known for my smile, everyone says it’s contagious, it’s what people remember most about me. As a matter of fact CO’s and inmates that have known me for years, always ask what happened to my smile or comment how much they miss it. It has become a rare thing. I try but I fear it is near lost or simply gone.
20 years okay… it’s the next 20 that is crushing my soul and taking my mind. It will one day take all of me… as I refuse to grow old in here and I don’t know that I have another 10 in me, let alone 20+. I have seen men lose their minds (literally), I’ve seen their eyes grow dark, seen the light extinguish. I’ve seen men beaten and stabbed so badly their bodies never heal completely. I’ve seen countless men take their own lives. So, to me yes, this place/they can even take all that makes you human, mind, body, soul. After all they dehumanize you every day, from the moment you enter here. Dehumanize, it’s what humans in power do best.