🔵 By Charlie Rose. Photo by lauragrafie.
I stare at the same white ceiling, I hear the same clicks of locked doors, and the same rhythm of keys that I’m so institutionalized I can guess confidently who the guard is by the swish of their keys without having to see their face… the devil invades my thoughts while I lay there on my top bunk thinking to myself .. „what. am . I. doing ? „ The dark clouds threaten to steal my ambition and suffocate me with mindless for the moment desires… Remembering the past is painful, the memories that lead up to my destruction….. In a way I’m imprisoned there… I’m tossing and turning, these thin mats I never get used to. I climb down the ladder attached to my bunk and slowly take those 2 steps to get to the small steel sink.. I splash cold water on my face to rejuvenate my spirit and look up into the scratched up mirror. I see only the eyes of a young woman deprived and exhausted. My emotions are all over the place, tears fall and for a split second I think about what it would be like to feel sorry for myself..
I clear my throat and splash more water to rid my pain, rubbing my eyelids raw because I’m angry that I let myself become vulnerable.. I take one last glimpse in the mirror, inhale my beauty and I cant help but admire my resilience… I whisper to myself: „You did the crime, now you do the time. Pay your dirty deeds babygirl. you a soldier.“ I carry a lot of regret, so many days I hear the voices of those I inflicted unforgivable pain on, screaming at me „why didn’t you save her!?“ “ How could you be so evil? „ Truth is I was lost and heartless. I was 15, all I cared about was myself and my image. Society disrupted my way of ideology and corrupted my moral compass that I was taught all my life by well respected Native American leaders. I was young and reckless with nothing to lose…
I’m 23 now and I’m so tired. The system changed me for better and the worse. I’m on my knees praying with my native sisters that I can have a chance to be redeemed. I’m praying to my ancestors that they will help me spiritually open the right doors, open the eyes and ears of those that can help me through this struggle.. I have ambitions and plans written, ready to execute and pursue outside my confined prison cell… My soul is crying out: “ I just want to LIVE.“ because yes even though my heart is beating, I’m not living. I’m SURVIVING. I want to know how it feels to fill out a job application, to go to college, to drive a car, to have my own place to call home. To lay in the grass and feel the hot Arizona sun kissing my skin. To hear my mother laugh at the dinner table while we share our gratitude and new ideas to prosper. To hug her again for more than brief seconds without hearing the guard yell at us to let go. Can you help me get that second chance?
I now know the secret, we can be in situations that we don’t want to be in, but at any moment we have the power to fight, and the ability to stand up for ourselves if we’re not happy with the cards layed before us…. For years I waited on a miracle but my life was stagnant up until a few months ago sitting in lockdowns that will break your core. I realized miracles don’t just happen, if it did I wouldn’t be pouring my heart out to strangers. Spirit will shake you to awaken you. I’m finding oneness also understanding that I have to put in the work to bring pieces of my life to higher frequencies to seek what I desire. FREEDOM > asking for something I haven’t done in a long time… HELP. Its cliche, redemption of a sinner but would you judge me?