🔵 By Ivory Andis. Photo by lauragrafie.
Have you ever lived with so much regret and sorrow? So much of what if, I should’ve, I could’ve? And it’s just not me who is living with regret, so are the people I love. They regret I was born, that I share the same name, or even meeting them. I never thought I be here in prison writing down my unbearable thoughts. Or even thought I be in prison. Every day, every night I wish I could tell the people I hurt that I’m sorry. Then magically the pain and hurt would disappear. But no, people don’t work like that. Pain is like a forest fire. The damage is horrific, infinite, and noticeable. No apology will instantly fix it. What will an apology do anyway? It won’t change the past! It won’t bring my victim back! It wont turn back time to help me change my actions! It’s not enough! You can’t live a life like I did and expect to apologize your way out of everything. You can’t do the things I did and expect people to accept your apology, or even accept you. It’s too late.
When I was a little girl, I loved dinosaurs. I wanted to be a paleontologist and discover new fossils. I wanted to be a scientist. Well… life turned a whole different leaf for me. I was not only being abused by my parents but their friends. I had hopes and dreams. I wanted things, I wanted to be somebody. I wasn’t always this way I remember it was my birthday, I was very young, my mother made me a birthday cake… It was coconut, I’m allergic to coconut. I sat there watching my father beat my mother with a big black frying pan. I saw my little brother crying and crawling towards me. So I picked him up and hid with him under the dinner table. I noticed I was screaming and crying out loud myself and I caught the attention of my beat up mother. My father left. So my mother dealt with me in her own way. I don’t remember much of that part but that’s when I woke up in the hospital. I remember that day because that was the day they took me. After that day I met so many people who inflicted so much pain on me and my siblings. No one apologized. So many dark and painful nights I cried silently, because if I cried loudly, I would be hurt even more or probably worse than I was. So yes, silently cried and prayed for my parents to save me. Anybody to save me! Hold me! Apologize to me! I only met my mother twice… my father committed suicide. They never apologized to me, but if they had a chance to … It’s too late.
As I sit here in my cell and think about life and what I’ve been through, I never regretted the fact that it taught me to be resilient. No, I am not perfect. I do make mistakes and occasionally bad choices. I did hurt so many people. I am damaged. I do have mental health problems. I am emotionally disturbed. I did take someones life… and I do believe no one will ever forgive me, nor can I forgive myself. I can apologize till I’m blue in the face, I can scream to the Gods from up top the highest mountain asking for forgiveness! But you know what… It’s too late for me.
You know what’s not too late? It#s not too late to help those who are also in this destructive darkness. It’s not too late to give strong advise to our young community. Let them know this is not the path you want to take let them know it’s no too late to turn back. It’s not too late to make smart choices that have good benefits. Also it’s not too late to forgive those who hurt YOU… before it destroys you from the inside. Don’t wait for them to ask you. I know how it feels to wait. Waiting for the abuser is like waiting for pigs to fly. Plus, it might be too late for them. But it’s not too late for you. I accept you for who you are. Just know you are perfectly flawed. Beautifully constructed in a difficult life. Putting a rose in the scorching desert, it will die at first, but it will come back as a desert rose. Don’t let anyone break you. You might fall but get back up. If they asked you “Why did you get back up?” Tell them “you tried to tear me, hurt me, make me think twice about myself. But, it’s too late … I’m stronger than you.”