🔵 By Joseph Hetzel. Photo by lauragrafie.
Unconditional surrender flowed without effort, and the raw vulnerability exposed with both Suzie and Stephanie allowed me to experience true love – the meaning of happiness which encompassed excitement, trust, and security. After Stephanie assaulted that vulnerability (when I was 15) however, I unconsciously built a wall around the assailable to keep what was left of it intact and protect it from unsuspecting attack. In doing so, the inclination „you’re going to hurt me so I’m gonna hurt you first“ conjecture was cultivated and all relationships that followed (Stephanie) were not authentic as that guarded portion of my core was never a factor in the equation – consequently depriving whatever gal on my arm from having one as a whole.
Emotional bleeding attacked itself to the invisible pain and ones emotional hygiene died as a result of the psychological hemorrhaging, eventually, mental trauma determined that not all wounds are meant to heal, some things just can’t be fixed.
Essentially, I moved forward, not necessarily on as I navigated my way through the labyrinth of life in survival leaving several women in my woke (none of whom deserved the apathy bestowed upon them) just as torn and hurt as the afflicted, if not worse.
Vulnerability is the ultimate risk when exploring the possibilities of love. It’s a measurement of courage only the strong can present amid the makings of one’s „happily ever after“ to which has no place within my remedial make up of insecurities and weaknesses – the risks, way too high, the pain, excruciating beyond comprehension – even some 40 years later…