🔵 By James Kelley. Photo by lauragrafie.
Imagine if you will… a loving family of 2, fixing to be 3… That was me. Family man at the age of 20… I worked hard for a living. To support Julia and my unborn daughter Bella… Izabella M. Kelley! I was happy… But I made a terrible mistake that cost me everything… utterly everything… One night changed my life forever… my charge… Rape. This isn’t the forced kind… no God, no! But still in court’s eyes, rape. I have made the worst decision in my life and had sex with an underage girl… I was given 25 years on Y felony, 70% of my time to serve. This is my history…
Before, Julia and I had a child named Mason, and I’ll get to him in a bit… Julia is 18 and pregnant, she doesn’t work. So I don’t blame her for leaving me… never will… She was alone and scared and pregnant with our daughter… So she left. 🙁 I called my ex Jennifer, my actual ex-wife. And begged for another chance with her… and by the grace of God she took me back. Jennifer is the mother of our now 14-year old son Mason. Mason’s got ADHD and is autistic. So it’s hard on him to really talk… He is a good kid but I worry of his temper… But when I first get locked up he’s 2-years old. Well, I go to prison, Varner Unit… I’m 25 years on a Y felony! So I’ve got this “fuck life” mentality. So I’m fighting and doing drugs in Varner Unit. I then forge a “legal” document and end up in the super-max… There I sat for a solid year, locked down 24 hours a day. 3 months into the stint I get served with adoption papers but not for Bella… DHS wants me to give up custody of a son I didn’t know I had. Gage… I’m forced to give up custody of my youngest son. I sign the papers with a heavy heart… what good would it do to fight it? I’d lose in court, I’m in prison on a rape charge… I’m used to loss by now. I’ve lost 10 kids total, 5 biological, 5 not. All I loved and still love!
After a year in the super-max I’m transferred to Malvern, my momma is now battling cancer this time. Once I got locked up, I found out she wasn’t gonna tell me at first… once at the new prison, I’m able to have visits with family and everything is looking up! In a year I’ve got my “Art Card” and making things for Mason and Jennifer and we are happy! Years go by… I’m doing a hospital porter job; I’ve done barracks porter, I love cleaning and helping out! Well, ADC is overcrowded… So I’m shipped to Texas Bowie County to serve time.
My first year there I get into a fight because dude threatened to kill my kids. I was big then (I’m even bigger now!) I’ve put kids in candy machines for less (funny story…) well after that, I get my leather craft card and OMG! I’m a really good leather worker! So I’m making belts, purses, wallets, shoes! I’m making a lot of money for myself. I send money home for my wife to invest for us! Covid-19 hit, stocks are down! Buy Buy Buy! My wife… lies to me and said she did but didn’t… 🙁 I’m hurt. But not as hurt as my momma’s cancer coming back. Not only that, her kidney has been dead for a year… and her health declines… And before she passes, family is arguing over her things… And she’s crying to me, “I have not even got my other foot in the grave and they are wanting my cast iron, my quilts… Son, I can’t believe my family…” I comfort her best I can… She said, “What do you want out of this house?” I told her the old saw blade, painted with “The Kelley’s”. Old two-hand saw used in like late 1900’s? Soon she’s so bad, she moved in with my sister and is bedridden, can’t move, can’t speak. For 3 days she laid dying… on the final day I had talked to her: “Momma I love you! You’re the greatest momma ever! I can’t wait to see you again!” 5 hours later she passed… we talked before and I wouldn’t go to the funeral, momma and me said our goodbyes… She knew I’d need all the money we could save for when I got out…
After she died, my ex (Julia) reconnected. And me and my wife split up (again) and she took my son with her. And for a few months I had Bella, my 12-year old in my life. And a bright future. Now I lost her after only a few months, I overstepped when I tried to get on my daughter’s birth-certificate even though I told her I was going to! My daughter ran into school and yelled “I’m Izabella M. Kelley!” I did the paper work, did the research, filed the papers… Then Julia gives me the news … 🙁 The birth-certificate, she doesn’t want to change Bella’s last name or add me because she would have to put her married name on it… And with that I single handedly lost her… She couldn’t deal with me…
So here I sit… 33 years old in prison for another 4-6 years at least and no one to vent to. Pen-pals, I’ve not found a site yet that doesn’t just pray on an inmate for their little bit of money we do get… I’m not looking for pen-pals… I’m not even caring if this gets posted for others to read, my life story. Because this is the short version. I’ll go in more depth once I see what this is about. I just recently lost my grandpa Ken… he fell, hit his head, didn’t recover… said he loved us kids, he just couldn’t keep going, he said he’s hurting… he passed away and I’m left hurting more still… I’ve lost 10 kids, a mother, a grandpa, a soulmate, how much more do I have to lose?? How much more do I have to give… To repent, I pay and pay, I give and give, and the only ones that stand by me was my momma and my aunt Sarah…
How much does a person have to lose before someones shows a bit of humanity… to show they care or understand? My ex said: “You deserve everything you got!” I don’t believe that anyone deserves to be locked up as their mother lays in bed 3 days unable to move or speak and die a slow, painful death… is there any humanity in Germany? I see none here in America… I’ll never find a “pen-pal”, there is not one person on God’s green earth that will write a sex offender such as me… I made a mistake in life, I’m giving the state 18 years of my life… I lost all my kids. My momma and grandpa… it’s like a knife wound in my heart that won’t stop bleeding. My heart won’t stop beating.
This old wolf is ready to be free… ready for someone to care… is there anybody out there, does anyone care? I was always the person people called when friends needed help. I was never too busy or too tired to help. 🙁 Now I’m a lone wolf in a river of pain, sinking, howling for help and his wolf-pack left him behind. Can anyone save this wolf in time? Or am I destined to be alone? 🙁 I’ve got a good heart, I meant well… I tried so hard to please and help other people. But when I’m the one in need… no one’s throwing me a life line… But for the life of me, I fight the current, the tides of pain, grief, despair, hopelessness… Loneliness.
As I sink, I look back at my life and before I breathe my last breath under a sea of despair, I’ll tell the full story of “Lone Wolf”.