🔵 By Kenneth Brown. Photo by lauragrafie.
After a decade of being in prison I finally realized I have no control regarding what happens around me, what goes on outside of these prison walls. But I can only control my actions. There are times I question my ability to control my actions because my emotions overwhelm me at times. People will say things that will upset me. Does that give me the right to tell them to shut up? People will do things that will blatantly piss me off. Does that open the door for an opportunity to make an example out of them because my ego is being threatened? Will I feel like the bigger man by simply walking away or will it bottle up inside until I explode? I make choices every single day, starting with the choice to roll out of bed, make Coudu, and make my salat before the sun rises. I choose whether I eat breakfast, whether I exercise for the day, or do something productive. I technically do not have any responsibilities. I can lay in bed only having to get up when it’s time for the officers to count.
The rapper Tupac has a song titled “ Hail Mary” and in his second verse he states, “Penitentiaries is packed with promise makers, never realize the precious time b**ch Ni**a is Wasten …” there was a time in my life when I counted days until I got my next 115 discipline write up. Or I was handcuffed and taken to administrative segregation due to disorderly conduct. It has been over nine years since I was in administrative segregation and going on three years since I’ve had a disorderly conduct write up. And almost seven years before this last incident, regarding a cell phone but no violence. The words Tupac spoke in his song painted a vivid picture of me being that individual wasting precious time.
I was incarcerated February of 2007 and we are days away from 2022. Looking back at where I came from, a 19 year old kid to a 34 year old man who is responsible, caring, hard working, and determined to be more than just an offender with a CDCR number. Prison is not booked at as an accomplishment and I’m not saying it should be because we’ve harmed someone directly and indirectly to put us here but for the people who are still holding on to their sanity, people who are staying connected with the outside world and desire to return back to it. People who are parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, or people who parents are still alive, prison is not a slumber party we’re attending and everything is provided for. Before I was incarcerated I acted how I felt and did whatever I had to do to survive whether it was good or bad. But now that I am in prison with people on the outside waiting on the day they’ll be able to to see me again. Can I afford to act how ever I feel in the moment and do what I have to do to survive whether it be good or bad? The answer is simple: No.
I am in a confined space dealing with people I wouldn’t get caught dead with, who might not be at the same maturity level, level of patience. And white frankly who are way more dangerous then I am. Who could make an attempt on my life if they feel I looked at them the wrong way or I looked at them too long. A lot of us made bad decisions but we are not bad people. But there are bad people in prison and we are forced to either get along with them or get on their level and be prepared to do something heinous like in the film “Shot Caller”. It took a while and a lot of introspection on my end to change old habits, to redefine what kind of inmate I want to be. And I choose to be a man. That means making sacrifices, giving up instant gratification and letting desires manipulate my responsibilities. I am responsible for my actions and re-actions.
I accept I am a flawed person meaning I will make mistakes but it is up to me to take responsibility and move forward without looking back. Even though I am incarcerated I do not have to let that define me. Holding on to what we know we should be doing and getting it done is my objective from now and until I take my last breath.