🔵 By Justin Rodriguez. Photo by lauragrafie.
There is a lot of things that people can’t teach. Granted, so many things are learned behaviors. Someone can teach you how to fight, but can’t teach you how to have the heart to fight. If you were blessed to have a parent, or both parents that were able to give you a great example, to where you can shape your identities, where you yourself identify, then great. But, not even them, or your greatest influences could teach you what to feel, or what not to feel. How one perceives and conceptualizes the things that motivate him/her could, in my eyes, be driven by the enjoyment of succeeding, or the fear of failure. I struggle in trying to find a balance.
I am who I am, which I have accepted. I can tell you about my fears here, because from the outside one could never tell that I have any. The same things that I love are what I fear the most. I don’t fear death, violence or physical harm as much as I do loss. And I’ve lost a lot. Rooted from early ages, it makes me as passionate as I am. I’m imprisoned by my love and passions. I’m never guilty nor innocent. I’m both, and I’m neither. Maybe I am a criminal, because I’ve justified these things. Struggling so much to find a balance has led me to finding peace and acceptance of my flaws. Because I now know myself, I’m in a much better place. Still imprisoned, but at peace. Wouldn’t trade a thing about me.
I don’t know anyone who likes being in prison. However, I do know people who feel better off in prison. It’s not just a place, but a mentality. And I understand both. I have a son, I will be free, and I personally will never choose to stay or come to prison intentionally. But, hurt people are emotional people. Emotional people can be dangerous people. “Dangerous people can be the safest people.”
I find security in being safe, just as I see the danger in freedom, and vulnerability. I found the balance between good and evil, love and war, salt and sugar, black and white. Our differences are connected by our similarities. I’ve accepted mine, because balance is necessary. I hope you have yours. And if not, I hope you can find some.