🔵 By Shane Espinoza. Photo by lauragrafie.
I am constantly aware of my transformation here in prison. As I write about my experiences and growth I realize that I have stepped into my fears. Now, not every story involves addressing fear. Throughout the past 5 years I have had moments when I was too afraid to move forward. I wanted to stay in my cell, curl up and be left alone. I try to be kind and gentle with myself during those times, do what I can to create comfort rather than challenge, remind myself that I’m human, that progress is not a straight line but one with many twists, bumps and turns in it. But ultimately, one must be willing to look directly at one’s life periodically and do what is necessary to bring it into integrity.
As for me, my greatest fear in life is not that I will die old and penniless, although I might. It is not that I will be alone for the rest of my life, although, it’s possible. My greatest fear is that on my deathbed, I will look back over my life and feel regret that I didn’t do the things I know were in me to do because I had been too afraid to do them or that I had failed to find out what they were.
I have this insatiable curiosity about life and how I am living it. This keeps me aware of the aforementioned fear. I am able to look at it constantly. Through a mirror of anxiety. This fear is my friend, an important motivator, and a positive reminder to stay awake and alert. I know the preciousness of each and every moment that I am given. I see so few people living each day with this awareness that is right in front of their eyes. We lose sight of it as we face our unique challenges, as we settle into the often hard-won comforts we have earned or are dulled by the repetitive but necessary tasks of daily living. I wonder if the truly enlightened are inspired in every moment. I know it’s important to remember to keep asking myself about what I am doing with my possibly one and precious life and if it is something that will keep me from my deathbed fear, should it happen tomorrow. The young are blessed to have their lives stretching out before them, however, so are those in the ripening years of life equally blessed. The shortening of time brings with it the awareness of its great gift, that of having another day to live, to shape any way we see fit, with no time to waste. Live with the awareness of the preciousness of this life.